It's Hard to Be a Princess

Mission Summary

(Sorry this is late, but it came in scrambled. I tried to sort out the
strands, but there's something wrong with the wiring... so here's "The
Princess
Report". They both claim to be "real". You decide. I have no
opinion, and
wash my paws of the whole mess. Er. Sorry about this Hapto.
This will
probably offend almost everyone in SCUL, but it's what came in on my wire
unfiltered, and the filters bust. Again.)

         The scene: Adorable
yet edgy, with a dash of je ne dis quoi & quell
chic.) Jewels, lace, electricwear, not much underwear (princess
nosepicker,
princess nameless and princess eviltwin, wore strategically ripped
outfits, when
they wore outfits)... the mood: totally cool but fashionably hot.
It was the
wishyouwerethere event of the season. The rainbow lights, the
scintillating
conversation, the rolling about with stylish abandon on warm
pavements... the
sticky treats, the gem colored princess-juice that laid pilots flat
and all
mooney under sprinklers... the astonished fans lining the streets,
the elegant
princess waves, the admiring vacant expressions of passing
motorists... but :

         Fate sometimes
hits like a ton of rhinestones out of a trebuchet, and
this was a night of a thousand and one heroic gestures gone sideways,
fashion
statements defying description (and sometimes gravity), and at least a
dozen
unfortunate and unmentionable incidents. Princess Hapto, the Empress
Goddess
Princess, dressed to slaughter, with glitter, feathers, glue and glamour
extraordinaire crowned with a sparkly tiara and dangerous hair, led
the band of
fabulous femmes. Princess Skunk, regal yet so street tough in his vintage
glittery cape and magicians hat, tres jolie, HBomb severe yet
sweet in scarlet,
Threespeed in a dashing chauffeurs jacket with sequin epaulettes and a
crisp
bowtie. Ships were decked out in ribbons, lace, spikes, plastic, shoes?

         An evening of
shimmering gowns, satin sashes, crowns, rioting, and a
fabulously decorated parade of ships was planned. But:

         Suddenly a
distress call came screeching in over the SCUL wire,
announcing: Princess msmoon has been abducted by seven villainous
musicians...
"Help me, Help me" Princess msmoon shrilled, in squeaky soprano
tones. "The
fiends are forcing me to sing and dance on stage with an accordion
player, and
wear high heels!" Princess Hapto gave the command... "We shall not
have this.
Battle-stations, Princesses!"

         The Princesses
reacted with spontaneous and unanimous fury. How dare
anyone kidnap a Princess and compel her to participate in performance
art, (or
work of any kind for that matter?) Hard luck to the poor misguided and
wretched crew of scoundrels who would stoop to such a foul deed?

        "We will smash them".
"We will dance on their heads with our pointy
heels" "We will capture all their stuff!" "We will jump on their
accordion!"
"We will drink all their beer!" The Princesses cried, grabbing their best
lipsticks and sharpening their nails and shoes. Princess Pecan donned her
flashiest twirly skirt to match her topaz locks, Princess Retard was a
radiant
Snow-white, her raven hair shinier than ever, Princess Rubbish was
ravishing
with a touch of renegade, Princess Grimlocke was a goth princess
wrapped in
silky film-noir attitude, and Princess Vomit a voluptuous vixen. Princess
Pywaket was enchanting with complicated hair and just that perfect air of
menace. The music: indescribable... The fans, in awe and getting
out of the way
fast. The paparazzi: blowing kisses, screaming accolades and sobbing
hysterically. The cameras... .


"Now hold it right there! That's not how it was. Who is giving that
frufru
mission report? Shadowfly reporting Admiral Skunk. Spybot mission report
commencing. Ignore that silly stuff Sir, it's a cover-up and it's all
fluffy.
Here's the real story. It was an army of renegade pilots Sir, a vicious,
dangerous, armed to the teeth army of savage barbarians wearing sharp
spikey
tiaras. They invaded innocent neighborhoods with a ferocious, roaring
cavalcade
of stampeding ships and a lot of brutal princess yelling. And those
bells!
Ouch Ouch Ouch!! My sleek little slity ears! It was vile and
violent, they
should be totally deleted. When the fleet admiral hears about this...
no wait!
Admiral Skunk, you were there! They must have hypnotized you or
something!
Bad Princesses, bad bad! I knew this would happen someday. It was a
secret
mutiny party plot. SCUL needs a serious overhaul Admiral, and I'm
the spybot
to do it. Princesses. Feathers! Here's what we do Admiral. First
we arrange
a massive brain sweep for the Somerville/ Cambridge systems. We have the
technology. Erase the whole unspeakable affair from the minds of
everyone who
might have seen or er... heard them. We can save SCUL, it's not too
late. Sir,
just sign an act making me head of SCUlland security and I'll sort
this out.
First operation blankthebrains, then, operation rewire some naughty
pilots.
Hey, cut that out... Sir? Static, I'm fading, wait!"


        
... lacy shawl and lots of decolletage. What a gala celebe event it
turned out to be! A parade, fashionshow, danceparty and attack and rescue
mission! The drama, the tears, the long passionate speeches nobody
could hear
because of the roaring and wailing of the sonic disrupter! Princess
Hapto set
her course, Princess Banethunderwolf was sleek and sassy as
tailgunner, and
they were off. Princess Shakes sashayed in his classic shabby sharp chic,
Moose was magnificent in mod outre, Magneato was effortlessly ooo la l...
Princess Bubo was a brazen belle. Steerpike strutted sweetly. Princess
X-Princess Eviltwin and Princess Nosepicker were awfully adorable,
frolicking
gayly and without falling over. Seldom has Somerville seen such a
triumphal
soiree, gliding through the night like a small inexplicable
mini-galaxy escaped
from some seriously other universe. All was fabulous. But:



"...WWrong wrong wrong wrong! It was NOT fabulous. Look, let's get this
straight. Sir a bunch of deranged pilots went AWOL with some
dangerous music
and way out of uniform. Admiral Skunk, you were there but you
probably don't
remember any of it. First they hypnotized you, that's my working
theory, and
Hapto and hypnotize sound awfully similar, are you following me? Or
they got
you to drink sneaky witchy potion...I can analyze the data about that
later. So
they Haptotized you and who knows who else. Then they ran this oh-so
wicked
naughty partymission... they were all out of order. They had
mechanicals almost
every block. And some of them got blood all over themselves and their
ships.
Banethunderwolf did almost all the tasks at the fort. Chaos sir, and no
discipline. They attacked a liquor store. They attacked Union
Square. They
abused the Cambridge sprinkler system. They used lots of bathrooms that
weren't bathrooms... But don't worry sir. I have a clever plan
involving secret
traps and plenty of military jargon. We can save SCUL's reputation.
Zzzzz...
gah! Oh no.... zzzzz Hello?....zzzz


     ...jasmine, white musk, attar of roses
and frangipani, but these
Princesses were on a mission. Eyes gleamed, knuckles whitened, jaws
clenched,
tummies gurgled. These Princesses were on a hunt and when they ran
their prey
down, they would ... there was some argument about exactly what they
would do,
ranging from slapping them, shouting nasty Princess insults at them or
(I am
sorry to have to write this, allow Princess Nosepicker to wipe nameless
substances on them). Yes, the mood was fabulous but grim. The allies (our
gals, the Princesses), the enemy (their guys, the evil musicians).
The issue?
(One kidnapped angry princess who was making her tormentors regret every
miserable minute they had her). The stage was set for the ultimate
showoff
showdown.


Stop that! I'm trying to give an official spybot report! Don't
listen to this
Princess-poo. Admiral, some renegade pilots attacked a bunch of
innocent (and
unbelievably wimpy) musicians, stole their candy and chased them and
scared
them, probably scarred them too, like for life. I have their names
sir, It was
mostly Princess... I mean, commander Hapto's idea. The maggots are
innocent.
But the rest of them should all be sent to their rooms Sir. I mean it!
SCULland security needs a not-past-ten naughtiness policy sir before it's
too... ...rb rb r...not again....!


     ...discreet nudit... At eleven o'clock,
after parading fiercely through
the teeming masses of bewildered Somervillians, the fleet of angry
princesses
spotted their quarry emerging from a disreputable gallery in Union
Sq... and
without warning (other than a huge amount of shrieking din that could
be heard
several blocks away), the princesses attacked the villainous accordion
wielding
musicians like a swarm of very large and well dressed hornets. Pilots
flew off
ships shouting, threatening and hugging each other and anyone else around.
Bottles and tiaras were brandished wildly (occasionally striking people in
surprising places). Princess msmoon was bitchily kicking two of her
captors
and snatching a bag of candy from a third. Princess commands were
shrilled,
the music soared, dresses were admired, challenges were bellowed,
compliments
exchanged, emotions got all worked up...


"Flash: "No no no! Look, I'm a spybot, Fleet admiral Skunk's
personal (and
may I say extremely clever and incomparable invention). Shadowfly
reporting
here. Firsthand account. For the record, I saw it all. Disgraceful.
Pilots
falling off ships. Pilots drinking naughty blue stuff. And the tiaras,
disreputable, rusty, lopsided. Admiral Skunk, it was a complete
debacle. The
attack was clumsy and disorganized. All seven of the wimpy musician types
escaped! My point here is Princesses make a not terribly effective
army. I
should have been in charge. I have general capability circuits.
Anyway, after the musicians walked away without a single
scathe (accept
the one Princess msmoon kicked in the head. The fleet got into even
more of a
disarray. They did not even make it out of the Union Sq.
constellation before
there was a mechanical. Phhhhhht...Agh! I'm breaking up agai....fix this
damn....jamme...jamme... zzz pht....."


     ...sex, while others engaged in
tasteful dirty dancing in the darkpark.
Or was it wrestling? Much clothing was artistically torn. The lights
were
bubbly, the music... a selection of sordid vikingesque ballerina
tunes... er...
variety of vaseline-inspired voodoo trance disco ...er... medley of
grrrrlmetal
blow-torch tag melodies... smashmashslush. But the big hit of the
evening may
have been parkinglot promstomp to "Girl's just wanna..."


"...get drunk and go completely berserk. The Princess photo Shoot was
utterly
undignified Sir, with Princesses shoving, grabbing and molesting each
other all
over the place. Admiral, they really deserve to be thrown in the
brig. Er...
separate brigs. They defiled Mayor Danehy park with unmitigated
displays of
inappropriate behavior and a fair amount of fuel, then ran amuck
through the
sprinkler system. Sir, Princess msmoon should not be allowed to make
noises
that could damage my circuits and the hearing of the whole of
Cambridge...phhhttt... Aw C'mon, leme talk..."


     ... lounging gracefully, some
intertwined, some gazing at the stars and
cloud-tower playing something soft and tres mushy. Some pilots took
solitary
walks, looking splendid and mysterious silhouetted against the sky. Some
stretched out on the lawn talking philosophy with long words and not
too much
meaning, passing a bottle of stolen princess juice.


"Giggling happened everywhere sir. Princesses. The worst part is
sir. And
I'm not being catty here. It was so demeaning to be stuck on
Strangelove... they
got me wet sir; threespeed ploughed through the sprinklers repeatedly even
though Princess... I mean msmoon was screaming "Do not get me wet. I
want my
Princess blanket right Now!" She hurt my slitty ears sir. And then.
(sniff)
somebody got smelly blue stuff on me and now I have a big headache and
can't
find my favorite soothing program and I'm sticky and... sniff..."


     The after party at le launchpad was
serene, Princesses fluttered
gracefully off their ships. The scene was grubby and surreal. Gentle
speeches
were burbled, delightful pastries from notorious Chez Dumpstairre were
consumed, flasks were shaken for their last drops of Princess juice
before the
sleepy Princesses flitted away to their castles to dream sparkly Princess
dreams, leaving a tantalizing scent of mingled jellydoughnut, sweat and
Princess perfume on the air behind them.