Status: Failure

Operation

Gravity Assist Paradox

Mission Objectives

  1. Execute 24 gravity assists (single loops, in contrast to orbits which are multiple loops).
  2. Experiment with a new maneuver performing tight S-curves in high g-wells.
  3. Test EDM "hyperfunk overdrive" life support, especially Breakbeat and Happy Hardcore.
  4. Execute a gravity assist or orbit around an EDM sonic disruption emanating from a fixed installation.
  5. Shout your best wookiee battle cry in an echo chamber.
GRAVITY ASSIST PARADOX 250712

Mission Summary

19 pilots showed up for Spud's ambitious debut as mission leader. With an intricate backstory of scientific exploration of the benefits of gravity assist loops and heretofore unexplored subgenres of electronic life support, backed by detailed visual aids and thorough research of past missions, we set out to perform 50% more gravity assist loops than ever before.

*Snapped retro cable on Pale Horse during test flight, Otnaut forced to switch ships to Golden Eagle
*Two mechanicals on the launchpad, Meownderthal and Pastry Queen assist
*GAP Kids: "New fork, who dis?"
*Lots of skittery beats and wub wub wubs
*Loop-de-loop-de-loop-de-loop
*Orbited a bangin' techno party to see if it would induce a bonus boost
*GAP Kids cockpit gives way, Patent Pending gets a rude surprise, tools deployed
*brand new GIANT playground at Arsenal Yards!
*pilots climb to never before seen heights, but unimpressed by non-functioning water features (just some frog spit)
*tag team knighting of Stella and End Cash Bail by Kilo3, Pastry Queen, and Tango
*but a trickle of water
*Snow burns up for early work schedule
*ST intercepts during brief tardis stop on Watertown Wormhole, but he was pretty chill
*Continued on into the darkness along Charles Asteroid Belt
*Early return back to base through central Watertown
*Mission failure due to not performing enough gravity assist loops beyond the previous record (needed >=24, only did 17)

Mission Report


To whom it may concern:

I must regretfully register a complaint with the rigid strictures of SCUL's mission outcomes. Can any mission, when undertaken in a spirit of scientific inquiry, be said to be a failure? It cannot, for indeed there is no failure in science; there is merely data that either supports or fails to support a stated hypothesis, or, as in this case, insufficient data collected to draw a statistically valid conclusion. For while it is true that we did not achieve all of our stated objectives, we nonetheless gathered significant data that stands to benefit future missions and future mission leaders.

On his first venture as leader, Spud approached tonight's mission with a high level of rigor, proposing multiple experiments across a spectrum of disciplines. His hypotheses were rigorously tested by a stalwart battalion, a delighted civilian audience, and at least one (somewhat confused) stormtrooper.

A wise man once said, "The only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down." Let this mission report, therefore, transform this mission from a "failure" to a noble venture in the finest scientific tradition.

Part the First: Pre-Launch


Pre-launch was, I must confess, somewhat overfull of trials and travails. After preflight, Pale Horse snapped a retro cable during her test flight, forcing Otnaut to make a last-minute switch to the wheelie-prone Golden Eagle. A recently revamped GAP Kids also threw a launchpad mechanical that PQ and Meownderthal swiftly resolved. Several pilots took advantage of the flight delay to engage in some launchpad yoga (SQUATS SQUATS SQUATS) and limber up our soon-to-be abused legs. Once the mechanicals had been resolved, all pilots rejoined the queue and Spud provided an extensive mission briefing, including supporting documents and footnotes. (This may have been an early indication that the proposed experiments were somewhat over-ambitious, as a nameless pilot1 called out "LESS TALKING MORE FLYING"). Upon conclusion of the mission briefing, the battalion took a less-common exit to the starboard side of the launch pad, passing through some stale radiation fields on their way to collect the first high-fives of the mission.

Part the Second: Flight Part 1


The first portion of the mission featured multiple gravity assists and competing sonic disruptions as the battalion flew through the Charles Asteroid Belt Jizz Festival. Stormtrooper activity was high due to the large number of civilian transports and free-range astronauts; while the battalion may have received a few long-range scans, we were not directly engaged. The battalion made several orbitals of a fixed-point sonic disruption and collected MANY high-fives from the lightly-intoxicated crowd of civilians. End Cash Bail's Mad Rabbit broke atmo on several occasion as he went haring off wildly. After flying a gravity assist through the Home Despot parking lot, GAP Kids' cockpit suffered an abrupt failure and Patent Pending called a brief mechanical to resolve the issue. The battalion chilled by the dog park and Tango made friends with a very sweet doggo while the mechanical was addressed. The battalion also flew past the heaviest transport of Snow's recollection, a very large construction crane.

Part the Third: Shore Leave and Knighting


3.1 Shore Leave


Upon arrival at the brand-spankin'-new Arsenal Youngling Enrichment Center, multiple pilots protested that the enrichment centers of our youth were not nearly as cool nor as high altitude.2 Upon Spud's declaration of shore leave, Kilo3 did their best Sonic-The-Hedgehog impression and booked it up the multi-story slide. Several pilots followed and tested their best Wookiee battle cries as they descended the multi-story stormtrooper transport tube. Wombat attempted to spin a frog and learned that it would occasionally vomit water. Several pilots attempted to make use of the hydration station and were thoroughly thwarted by the grossly inadequate trickle of water that emerged; Snow, being a mensch, filed a Watertown System MRC ticket. End Cash Bail tended his booster rash (his first medal of injury!). Meownderthal attempted to fly their ship under one of the taller sprinkler structures but soon learned there was an unfortunate geometric interaction between their helm and the top bar of the sprinkler. (Someone) suggested that the ship continue under the sprinkler while Meownderthal leap gracefully over the sprinkler, but for some reason3 Meownderthal declined to take this advice. Meownderthal also received a brief piggy-back ride from PQ. Truck Stop and (pilot) got tangled up in the webbing under the transport tube.

3.2 Knighting


Much discussion between PQ, Tango, and Kilo3 ensued as they discussed the upcoming double knighting of Stella (your faithful reporter) and End Cash Bail. After a final review of our paperwork4, we were ordered to the center of the splashpad and took a back-to-back position, while our three (3!) knighters took positions around us. The sacred questions were intoned and answered in the affirmative; we were ordered to kneel5 and did so; we took our sacred vows, and rose as full pilots in SCUL. End Cash Bail chose a family heirloom as his knightsaber, and I selected the traditional lightwhips but the decidedly non-traditional double-knighting wherein PQ lifted Tango and wielded her like a human weapon of war as Tango delicately tapped my shoulders with the lightwhips. The traditional battalion hug was performed and thus two new pilots arose where formerly there were only cadets.

Upon conclusion of what several pilots agreed was the most alarmingly cult-like of pilot initiations of their recollection, Lordmcfuzz attempted to recruit us into his other cult. It's just cults all the way down, here.

Part the Fourth: Flight Part 2


Upon conclusion of shore leave, Snow burned up due to an early morning work call. As the battalion departed the Youngling Enrichment Center, a poorly indicated atmospheric boundary caused Spud to lose his sonic disruptor, triggering a brief mechanical. The battalion then flew through the nearby Arsenal Commerce Corridor, causing great astonishment to the civilian population enjoying their evening meals al fresco. The civilians of Watertown System are unused to being visited by the brave space pilots of SCUL, and didn't know what hit them. But they liked it.

Further gravity assists ensued, including several passes through various echo chambers and vacant ship hangars. The battalion began to attract some attention from the local stormtroopers and decided to move on, swiftly taking to the pursuit-proof warp conduits nearby. A long dark pass through the warp conduits let us out near a Tardis where the local ST finally caught up to us. While the battalion paused for a fuel dump, a stormtrooper began a slightly-too-casual stroll in our direction. Spud approached him and he said that someone had called in a complaint about mopeds. Since all of our ships are human-powered, this clearly couldn't be us (and, the ST said, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do about it if we were mopeds, anyway). The ST looked at Trigemony with some combination of curiosity and alarm and politely declined Spud's offer of a turn on one of the ships. As the pilots concluded their fuel dump, the ST mentioned caaasually that the park closed at 10, and Spud said we would be on our way as soon as we finished and then the battalion took flight and that was the end of it.

Some restiveness began to occur in the battalion and Spud made the decision to abort the mission somewhat early, so we headed back to the launchpad. The night finished on a particularly posi note as we flew past a neighbor close to home base. "Wait," he cried out, as we flew past. "Wait, come back!" and he ran to the street. We circled the island and flew past him once more. "What are you? What is happening? This looks like so much fun!" We gave him high-fives and spread the message of SCUL, and I felt like a visiting angel must feel, all eyes and wings and burning wheels and awe and trembling. Is this what it means to be a SCUL pilot? Because it is a thing of beauty.

Part the Fifth: Return and Debriefing


Upon return to the launchpad, several pilots expressed their confusion that the mission was over, thinking that perhaps in the looping, swooping spirit of tonight's mission, Spud had chosen to do a loop around the launchpad before re-launching the battalion back into space. No, indeed, the mission ended at 14 lightyears, and Truck Stop distributed pins and Tango broke out Snow's hummus and some carrots and some quiet munching ensued as ships were packed away and the fort was tidied up once more.

If there is a failure in the mission planning, in my opinion it is merely one of scope: perhaps too many experiments were proposed for a single mission. The mission objective was for 24 gravity assists but only ("only") 17 were completed, and the proposed mission length was an ambitious 22 lightyears but finished after 14. Are these failures, or merely reductions in scope, adjustments to real-world conditions, and shows of respect for the needs of the battalion's pilots? Further, the mission achieved an unlisted objective and added two pilots to SCUL's ranks.

If I must catalog the true failures of this mission, I believe there are only 2:
  • Spud failed to file the appropriate forms with the IRB or obtain informed consent from the civilians with which SCUL interacted.

  • Pilots did not get mid-mission treats. The pilots demand snacks, sir, and they must have them.


Thus, regardless of the recorded mission status, this mission is, in my heart, a success.

1. It was totally PQ.
2. Yes, the old "when I was a kid we were lucky if a playground was an old tire and a tetanus shot. Get off my lawn."
3. Sanity.
4. Kilo3 is very thorough.
5. PQ's command voice is An Experience.
Pilot Ship Points Promotion
AceHole Pavement Princess 243.059  
Cosima Albatross 332.053   Lieutenant Commander
DrClaw Shockwave 524.194  
End Cash Bail Mad Rabbit 470.277   Aviator
happenstance Bieber Fever 956.873   Lieutenant Junior Grade
Kilo3 Swamp Thing 763.348   Lieutenant Commander
Lordmcfuzz The Traveler 752.147  
Meownderthal Barbie Schmurda 399.31   Captain
Otnaut Golden Eagle 238.895  
Pastry Queen Princess Fun Police 517.717   Petty Officer First Class
Patent Pending GAP Kids 250.252   Senior Chief Petty Officer
Philadelphia Collins Catastrophe 0  
Snow Deep Blue Dream 54.9987  
Spud War 1230.38   Lieutenant Commander
Stella Lust 412.437   Aviator
SweetJP Trinity 618.835   Chief Petty Officer
Tango Darkendank 143.664   Petty Officer Third Class
Truck Stop Clamity 150.864   Petty Officer Third Class
Wombat Trigemony 309.794  
Pilots must be logged in to see the briefing.
Taskforce Pilot
Mission Leader Spud
Deck Officer Kilo3
Gate Attendant Stella
Navigator Lordmcfuzz
Tailgunner happenstance
Emblem Designer Spud
Com-Sat 1 Kilo3
Com-Sat 2 Pastry Queen
Tool Bag SweetJP
Flat Bag happenstance
Medi Bag End Cash Bail
Wookiee Bag Otnaut
Ambassador End Cash Bail
Chalk Bag Philadelphia Collins
Still Cam SweetJP
Airlock DrClaw
Life Support 1 DrClaw
Life Support 2 Cosima
Life Support 3 SweetJP
Life Support 4 AceHole
Mission Pinner Truck Stop
Mission Debriefer Wombat
Mission Reporter Stella
Stellar Cartographer Spud
Cleaner Meownderthal
Life Support Synthesis Spud
Wingmate 01 Kilo3
Wingmate 02 Pastry Queen
Wingmate 03 Tango

Mission Parameters

DivisionMAD
Date2025.07.12
Mission LeaderSpud
Mission Size 19 pilots
OriginFort Antwerp
DestinationNew understanding of orbital mechanics
Light Years14.889
G-Well Activity2.814
Technical Rating2.974